Bert’s Cafe

Just like much of Honolulu these days, this sweet old place was bulldozed to make room for (yet another) new cement high rise. Auwe.

You know the Febreze commercials where they place innocent, blindfolded people in the nastiest of places located just outside the seventh level of hell and ask them to inhale?
Yeah…Bert’s is definitely one of those places.
BUT! Instead of smelling Febreze, you taste some of the greatest, down to earth, local –style food at equally the greatest, down to earth prices.
CHEAPEDU!
Tim P took me here after I met with him for work and I have to admit, I was a bit scared walking in. I mean, I was wearing my favorite Reyn Spooner… come on!
Anyway, I got over… well more like put it out of my mind… how dirty this place was. and ordered a cheeseburger deluxe and a plain fried saimin with 1 BBQ stick from the famous obaachan. She really is the cutest littlest local Japanee grandma ever.
The big plate fried saimin was ono! It had strips of salty luncheon meat and hardly much of anything else… But that how I like it! It went perfectly with the juicy bbq stick and was seriously a ton of noodles for $ 3!
Then came the cheeseburgah deluxe… which comes with two slices of tomato, onion and lettuce! For $ 2.25 it’s quite a steal for this all inclusive meal. Oh! And it comes piping hot! I remember dropping it down low, like snoop dog says.
In all, I paid a whopping $ 7.75 for what was essentially 2 meals. Hot damn.
Am I fan? Most def. Am I eating in there again? Most def not.
Here’s a Quick tip: TAKE OUT!

I am lowly fallen knight. The Kingdom of Unilocal once heralded my reviews that challenged other brave knights to venture into the unknown. But for the last year this man you see before you was placed under a curse and could no longer save damsel restaurants with new reviews.
Where hath this curse come from? With the help the Fellowship of Elites, they helped Sir Tim P find new and exciting extraterrestrial worlds to explore. It only served to strengthen the curse, as this is not meant to be a Science Fiction story!
The knight one day used his enchanted « Unilocal app» that the Magicians of the Royal Unilocal IT Team had created. What was this nearby? Bert’s Café? The moment this knight stepped inside Bert’s and took a bite of their Teri Cheeseburger, his Unilocal energies reignited. This mystical place and magical burger enchanted him with the desire to rush home and write a review!
The curse hath lifted. Bert’s simple spells, not gastronomic science mumbo jumbo, on their burger had set Sir Tim P free.
For 1 Silver Piece and 75 Copper Pieces, the Bert’s Damsel had given her love in form of a Teriyaki Sauce, a Beef Patty, and Cheese.
May you choose this quest, be warned that Bert’s Castle will take you to a time long ago. Though it will be worth it for the Enchanted Burgers of Damsel Love! Twas a beautiful simple love that didn’t require much bounty!
When Sir Tim P returned back to the Kingdom of Unilocal,the citizens regaled him Useful’s made of Mithril, Funny’s made of Elfstone, Cool’s made of Entwood.

Walking into Bert’s Café is like walking into the past.
You will see Coca-​Cola refrigerators, cash registers that still go «Cha-​ching», a painting of the Honolulu Stadium, pictures of family and friends, and a hodgepodge of different furniture that has been changed out through the years. This place has character, real character. This character might be mistaken for just a dirty old restaurant, but you have to look past that. It takes a real foodie to appreciate a place like Bert’s Café.
This place is the most hole-​in-​the-​wall as it gets. There is no business sign for this place! Nobody knows this place exists on McCully unless someone took you personally.
The sweet little old lady takes your order, and if she’s busy, don’t be afraid to stick your head into the kitchen and tell the cook directly what you want. Every regular does this. It’s so adorable how nice and slow moving she is. She puts your takeout plates in a Long’s plastic bag. Talk about reuse!
The prices are really cheap!
There is a small parking lot, but also street parking.
They take cash only, obviously.

I thought if I was going to start writing reviews, I should start with my childhood restaurant.
This is what you would call a hole-​in-​the-​wall (very much so), mom and pop place. Cash-​only. The owner from what I always thought was this sweet old lady, never met or remembered an elder man. She even recognizes my dad and I, ever since I was 4. Its typical local diner food. Pork chops, hamburgers, saimin, etc. Although, they don’t stay open for long, until 1 PM (13:00).
The thing that I will always love and remember is their burger. They’re one of a kind, seriously. I asked the (assumed) owner how they have that taste or recipe, she told me they have a farm where they have cattle, I assume on island.
The breakfast plate isn’t bad for the price. Two eggs, a choice of meat, rice, toast, and coffee. Although, the meat is kind of scarce. The saimin isn’t bad either, just taste like Zippy’s though.
The interior is very er… old looking, a lot of dust, rust, and a lot of brown. Its kind of dim inside. Theres a lot of old trinkets inside. And the cash register, I don’t think is electronic, sort of like a type writer. Theres a coke fridge inside with bottled beverages and canned sodas, and soda machines right outside. So if you ever pass by, stop in and try their burgers.

ohmybuddha Bert’s! cheapest place in HNL to get breakfast — LOVE this place!

Total mom and pop place and I LOVE IT! Est. in 1939 and is currently run by 2^nd generation owner.
Don’t expect anything fancy but a basic local menu that is incredibly affordable. Breakfast is $ 3.95 for 2 scoop rice, 2 eggs and your choice of meats. If you want some water… get it yourself :) There is a 5 gal water cooler that you can help yourself to. Atmosphere is very welcoming and country like.

For under 4 dollars you can get a loco moco with a piece of toast and tea/​coffee! The server is very nice grandma in her 80s, I think. The chicken sandwiches use whole chicken filets instead of patties and cost only 2 dollars. I used to work down the street on Algaroba and would often get two chicken sandwiches and sprinkle on a little Tabasco for extra flavor. This adds up to a 4 dollar lunch and is pretty damn filling.
Other fine amenities include a television set and free water. The 70 year old cash register still works. You should definitely come by here at least once. Smallest hole in the wall ever.

I love it here :)
It’s a little hole in the wall that you’d never notice just driving by. Heck I never noticed it walking by, and I live right around the corner. There’s a counter and a couple of tables inside, all mis matching chairs and stools. A tv on the local news, a little cart with magazines etc. Nice little spot with a couple of tables outside, too.
When you’re looking to go out for some breakfast, there’s no reason to shell out the big bucks at ihop when bert’s makes you a delicious plate of 2 eggs, 2 scoops rice, toast, choice meat, and coffee for $ 3.95. There’s also a sandwich menu (egg salad, blt, grilled cheese for like 1.50 — 2.00) and lunch plates like kahlua pork and cabbage, teri burgers, and saimin (all under $ 6 i think).
Basically, when I’m here, I feel like I’m sitting with my morning coffee in my aunty’s carport, and it feels really good :)

If your looking for some homestyle breakfast. This is the spot. It definitely is not a diamond but it is a gem in the rough. The sweet, little old lady remind me off my grandma. I usually come here for breakfast. Meat, two eggs, hash browns, toast and a coffee for about $ 5. I think this place has been here since the 40’s. It has a lot of antique stuff inside. There only open till 1, Mon-​Sat.