The flu aka the crud, etc.

On the one hand, El Cruddo is back, full-​force, leaving many many casualties in its merciless and unrelenting wake. What a way to ring in the New Year. Hospitals throughout the entire region are bursting at the seams w/​admits, due to the handiwork of El Cruddo. Human suffering, thy name is La Gripe (uh, no, I don’t that *is* a false cognate, and no, I don’t think it’s a female-​rendered noun, accidentally)!
On the other hand, El Cruddo is very good for business, if human misery be yo’ bidness. If you can keep from getting a touch of this nastiness your own self, you won’t be among our nation’s semi-​permanently swollen ranks of un-​or-​under employed, for certain. I recommend frequent, total body scrub downs w/​hand sanitizer throughout your busy work shifts, and for heaven’s sake, make it FUN! Get the sanitizer foam w/​the unmistakeable eucalyptus bouquet, or better yet, keep it super lemony fresh! Whether you’re waltzing down a lonely hallway, relatively unscathed by the perpetual demands normally identified w/​human comraderie, or stuck in a crowded elevator, packed to the gills, as it were, in the unrefined stench of humanity, folks will notice and appreciate your efforts, trust me.
Cruddo, a salute in fear and avoidance. Your impact on us all is undeniable, and certainly nothing to sneeze at…

Nick, I’m so sorry to disagree so strongly. But I too had the infamous flu this season, and I found it to be one of the most solidly horrendous, gut-​wrenching, Woohoo! As good as it gets Flus!
Alas, I did not die. But over two weeks later and I am still trying to get my breath back! Isn’t it great to be human! Feel better quick, Nick.

If you have not caught this year’s version yet, I suggest you invest heavily in Depends to wear to work. Also, it would be a good idea to start wearing a feedbag but be warned; the proper description of this device would be a reverse– feedbag, knowwhatimean?
Like Cupid’s Arrow, this little beauty launches itself out of nowhere and buries itself deep.
YOU ARE (probably) NOT GOING TO DIE. You ain’t that lucky, chief.
Tired of wasting all that money on juice cleanses and fad diets? Just come give this old geezer a hug and before you know it, all that water weight and toxins will be jet-​streaming out of all your orifices.
Pro Tip; lanolin bath tissue.
Just shoot me now, please.