FUDS

Slime® better here than Milk Bar.
Also, it’s a good place to get Get Low (13/​47oz caught fresh every odd Friday from 2 – 3:30am), though the fact that it’s served with broccolini is a well-​nigh conspiracy.
Service was meh. You can get hotter waitstaff down the street who are actually HUMAN.

This was pretty good. I like the one in Portland better, though.

Unilocalers if you read my reviews regularly, you know how hard it is dining with THE VETERAN (my father). He’s a mean person who doesn’t like anything and says hurtful things to everyone he meets. He doesn’t like any of his 11 sons, but a New York Circuit Court ordered that I care for him because the rest of my brothers are in prison for counterfeiting muscle relaxants. I wish that I could kill my father, but I’m worried I’d be too lonely afterwards.
I think that context is important in reviews, so here’s a quick recap of what my day was like. The Veteran was waking up around 5pm, right on schedule. On a good day he’s awake from 5pm till about 9am in the morning, screaming most of the time, and then falls asleep right in the middle of my hallway, which makes my life very uncomfortable. I really don’t enjoy my life, it’s not ever fun. He woke up and promptly demanded that I bring him his food bowl– an oversized ceramic salad bowl that I fill with boiled hamburger meat. The bowl weighs about twenty pounds and the smell of boiled hamburger is a nightmarish stink. It’s a disgusting meal and I hate him. I went to get his food bowl and CRASH. I dropped the bowl.
Terror is too mild a word. I felt as though I had lost all touch with my senses, my eyes were blurry and I started to feel nauseous. I lost all sense of up and down. I heard The Veteran’s craggy moan from the hallway, «was that my bowl?» I turn and SLIP in the pile of boiled hamburger. BAM, I hit my head on my 1890’s style coal oven. The world starts to go dark and I see The Veteran above me. Jesus, please take me to heaven now.
But God is merciless and I did not die. I had suffered a massive concussion and I only remember flashes of the next few hours. The Veteran’s claw-​like grip. Heavy rain. Being dragged through the street. A room full of leaf tobacco smoke. The sound of a tattoo gun. The tongues of many elderly women.
When I regained full consciousness, I was back in the foyer of my apartment building. I went to my door but the Veteran had locked me out. This isn’t the first time he’s sold my body to his VA friends while I was unconscious, so I knew he wouldn’t let me back in for a few days. I walked outside into the cold rain. I remembered seeing on NY1’s Mouth Taste Party (great show, btw) that FUDS stays opened late so I hightailed it the 30 blocks and yup, it was open! I got the Bill Clinton Sandwich – it was pretty good!!!

Wow, what can I say about this amazing restaurant that hasn’t already been said? Well, anything I want since I’m the first to review it, that’s what! For starters, the atmosphere is one of shear beauty. Each table comes with its own flyswatter, now that’s class. I mean, why should I have to bug the cook every time I have to kill an insect? And the kid’s ball pit right in the middle of the restaurant? Genius. And how about every Hustler cover ever framed and displayed on the walls? classy.
Now, when it comes to the menu, you really can’t go wrong with anything you order. Under the starters, or ‘Assistants’ as they so cleverly call them, I would recommend the mixed chilled-​and-​heated ploppers… oh-​so-​tasty. And don’t forget to ask for a bowl of the nut-​n-​toffee crunch-​crunch! After all, it is free and they melt in your mouth. And no meal would be complete without a large helping of panty slaw.
As for drinks I got the kids a couple ten Percent Sodas. Jethro went with the Grass Dirt, Cleatus got some Sparkling Willow, and Lipshitz chose the Shuger Nob. Being a beer drinker myself I had a nice dark glass of the Chocolate Crap Porterboy, brown suds and all. The wife wanted something a not so heavy or mud colored, so she had the Dalmatian Milkfat Arbor Day Ale. She remarked that she could really taste the milkfat and commented that she looked like she just blew a seal! We all had a good laugh at that.
For entrees, the wife had the Shitty Chicken (Spanked with cinnamon-​garlic dirt and dimpled with freshwater whale-​tit sauce) and I had the Pocaoquitos-​Style Meat Saucers (Forced in a cheddar coffin, served over a pile of bones). Now the wife absolutely loved the chicken! She could really taste the cinnamon-​garlic dirt and said the whale-​tit sauce made it extra juicy. I thought the Meat Saucers were extra crunchy and the mounds of Cheddar really tied the whole meal together.
Oh, and don’t forget to try the Stringers! Everybody loves stringers, but I must say these are the best I’ve ever had. A few I recommend are: 1. Tuxedo Stringers (Dressed up in a leafy sage corsage, leather shoes, socks (Gold Toe), hair gel, and comb) and the Big Chief Stringers (Sleeping in a tee pee of peace pipe shreddings, ant-​touched dirt, and buff-​stuff (buffalo stuff). They really stick to the top of your mouth!
For the rotten kids we ordered them a couple plates off the ‘Tiny Turds’ section of the menu. We didn’t let them pick anything out, we just ordered a few plates and let them fight over them. They really loved the Small Crabbed Chicken Dunkers and the Lil’ Weinerlettes. The Tiny Clumps of Turkey and the Magic Meatcup with Bad Boy Stringers were also a hit. Cleatus was sticking the stringers up his nose as usual while Jethro scribbled’ fart’ on the wall. He’s the brightest of the bunch as you can tell.
For dessert we split some Sweet Pork Smear and Tin Whistle Cakes. Outstanding, my fingers still smell like pork as I’m writing this, and we went there last weekend! Lipshitz demanded that she have a bowl of Norman Paste (Topped with Irish Freckles (Raisin-​hazel or Spicy). She went with the spicy, and Lipshitz end up with the shitz! I told that girl she can’t handle spicy food!
All in all, another fine meal from FUDS! Family friendly is an understatement! I mean, where else can you eat Doodled Onions, shoot skeet indoors, and let your kids fingerpaint on the walls? Nowhere I tell you, nowhere!

If you’re going to make a fake listing at least be funny. This is just stupid.