Bistro Ortolan

Do you have five hours of your Friday or Saturday night to spare on dinner?
Do you enjoy waiting 30 minutes or more between courses … in a ten-​course degustation?
Does watching semi-​clothed 18-​year-​olds strut past your window while teenage couples fornicate up against the wall across the road while you eat (or wait to eat) sound like your bag of biscuits?
Then Bistro Ortolan is the place for you!
We arrived at this place for dinner at 6.30 and didn’t get out until 11.15 pm. We were sitting there for so long I was convinced I was going to get DVT. With over half an hour of waiting time between each dish, we had nothing to amuse ourselves with but the parade/​orgy of underage nakedness going on outside our window. No apology was offered by staff for the ridiculous waiting times, although the manager did come out at one point and give us a complimentary green salad. Yes, a basket of leaves. We were touched by their generosity.
The food itself was outstanding, so it was a real shame that the timing of the dishes was so poor. I certainly won’t remember this place for the food.
Leaving the restaurant and getting back to the train station was an experience in itself. I’m an old lady (read: over the age of 25) now so the last time I had a proper night out in the Cross was five or six years ago. Time and condescension may have clouded my memory, but I don’t remember Bayswater Road ever being quite so trashy. Wading through the less-​than-​upstanding young citizens of society milling around on the pavement outside Candy’s and World Bar was like trying to make my way through a herd of feral animals without getting stepped on or eaten, or contracting a venereal disease.