Orleans Parish Prison

Where to start…

I had the pleasure of spending almost 5 days in this «facility». Disturbing the peace. Yep, apparently that IS possible in New Orleans. Although I was in for disturbing the peace of ONE person, but that is a story for another day.
Being in my thirties and having avoided legal upset my entire life proved to be of no use in this lovely establishment. I would like to point out that the climate was a bit brisk for the tropical likes of NOLA. I forgot my parka when I checked in for my stay.
I was not satisfied with my stay and when I asked to speak to the manager they were not very responsive. I found customer service to be lacking and they were not very concerned with guest services.
The continental breakfast was very disappointing. There seemed to be an issue with their food service suppliers as there was no salt to be found on the premises. I would have enjoyed coffee with my breakfast, but they were constantly «out of stock». I think a change in vendors is in order here.
I also found my slippers to have been in «previously worn» condition. Laundry and dry cleaning services were very inefficient. I left my soiled clothing at the door as per usual but did not find it to be returned with the fresh clean scent of recently laundered garments.
The concierge was not very accommodating. Every request was denied and I did not receive any helpful guidance about the must see aspects of the establishment.
Check-​in at the front desk was excessively long and check out was surprisingly even longer. I think with a little effort on their part in regards to time management would greatly benefit their star rating.
Overall, I paid more than necessary for the treatment I received. I will not be going back to this place for a stay. Look elsewhere for hospitality.

I had been in Nola for a few days. One of the guys told me the following: «If it comes down to the cops and going to OPP, I’m making a run for it». He preferred a hail of gunfire to going to OPP. And yeah, it isn’t Naughty by Nature inside. Better have a good lawyer who’s 24 hrs and has some pull.

What I saw in my 16 hours journey into OPP for the horrible crime of being intoxicated outside the Super Dome after a particularly bad Saints loss a few years ago:
1. Crack being smoked/​sold openly.
2. A holding room full of vomit/​feces/​urine where we were held for 4 hours with no running water (only a bag of dirty ice), facilities or room to sit (unless someone stood up from their nasty spot on the floor)
3. A crackhead projectile vomit in a room where 30 of us were packed in to a space designed for no more than 12. When we tried to bang on the window and alert a guard, we were told to ‘Shut the fuck up or I’ll bash some heads.” The man stayed on the ground in a pool of his own fluids possibly dying for a good hour before being removed bu glove and mask wearing guards. We remained in the room for hours with the smell and mess.
4. Grey grits with a slice of American (?) cheese (?).
I was not at all surprised by the video that was just revealed. I saw a number of prison clothes clad individuals roaming around with relative freedom and even some playing cards with guards outside of any visible restraint system. The only thing differentiating the guards from the prisoners at most times WAS the uniform and not much else.
Needless to say, I don’t plan on visiting again. Two thumbs down.

In my profession I make visits with the guests of this institution. I can tell you without reservation it is a place you do not want to visit. There is one good thing about my exposure to this establishment over the past forty years. When I say I am ready to leave, the doors open for me to exit. And I do. Additionally I have never requested to spend a night there.

This is a horrible place. Don’t ever go here. It’s a wonder how Sheriff Gusman, a Harvard graduate, could oversee an institution that has been condemned repeatedly by the Department of Justice. Im giving it two stars because illegal drugs are easier to get inside than out.

You do not want to go here as a prisoner. It is not a fun place to be. Don’t commit crimes and you wont end up here. That being said, I hear the food is pretty good. I guess if you can get past the strip search, fear of rape and lack of freedom, it isn’t such a bad place. On second thought, it is a bad place. Follow the laws, especially at Mardi Gras, and you wont end up here. Screw up and you will find out that OPP ain’t no fun.

You down wit OPP? Yeah you know me… You down wit OPP? Yeah you know me. Who’s down wit OPP? Every last homie…
One star if you’re stone cold sober, five if you’re plumb blitzed off your boobs. So, for the sake of peace and goodwill amongst men, we’ll give it three. After all OPP is really in the eye of the inmate… ya heard me?
For all intents and purposes it’s fairly difficult for a clean cut law abiding tourist to get arrested in The City That Care Forgot. I, however, managed to pull it off on one fateful Devil’s night.
Let me give you a Travelosity style overview. No need for reservations in New Orleans finest establishment. Management will probably find you and offer you a room rather surprisingly and without any deal shopping on your part. That’s just how they roll. They will approach you and present you with a welcoming gift, usually a fine piece of jewelery, wristware I believe.
They provide limo service for your convenience with a rather large fleet of vehicles to accommodate your stay most efficiently.
They treat you like a celebrity from the git go. An entourage of escorts, a full on photo shoot and fingerprinting, all inclusive. They even provide complimentary bathrobes. Don’t mind the large «inmate» printed on the back. That’s just their special word for «guest».
Activities start from the very beginning. My favorite was, what they call, the body cavity search. Sounds quirky, I know. It takes a little more coordination than you might be used to for a group exercise, but hang in there, you’ll get it. Don’t stress out about terms like «bend over and spread your cheeks» or «lift your nut sack and cough.» They just use those to validate your experience. Plus, the twenty other naked men around you are doing it. Don’t be a party pooper.
I know it sounds strange, but they make you carry your mattress to your suite. Every business has their niche I guess. I think they just want your stay to be memorable and interactive.
If you’re one of those people who love to crank the A/​C when you go to bed, your in luck. They keep it nice and crisp. They even keep a little night light on… All fucking night… OOOPS.
Room service comes surprisingly early, however (I like to sleep in) and I couldn’t find the «Do Not Disturb» thingy.
If you just aren’t having any luck getting a room here, find one of the managers walking around the city. You’ll know them by their local garb. It’s a blue uniform with a badge and a gun. Isn’t that cute? Just approach one of them and piss on their leg or call them an asshole and moon them. It’s sort of a secret handshake… You’ll get right in.
Rooms seem cheap at first, but prove rather expensive in the end. Just another service to keep you not coming back.
Silly OPP.