F & M Patio Bar

Back when Blue Oak was still around the corner i used to go to F &M’s. But then I left the bar one night and two guys grabbed me
The bouncers
And proceeded to throw me to the ground. I was wearing my older brother’s jacket and these guys proceeded to attack me messing me and the jacket up. This is after I left the spot and am already outside the building.
No one helps, people even laugh as I’m publicly beaten outside of a bar I didn’t get thrown out of. I paid my tab and must have looked like the wrong hispanic.
I always forgot to leave a review about my experience but heard this still happens.
Yeah these bouncers need to learn the law because assault is assault.

This place is alright. They offer good drinks and decent food. Extremely friendly staff. Probably would not take my mom here, but maybe would take my dad. Maybe.
It is a bit dingy with a college bar type feel, but not a whole lot of college kids. It draws an odd crowd. The music is a little bit too loud and it has pretty low lighting.
The patio is really nice and has potential for a very nice atmosphere, but the loud music kinda kills it for me, personally.
If you’re on chop, I’d suggest driving five more minutes south to NOLA Brewery for a better and classier atmosphere.
Cheers!

Best place ever for late night dancing! And forget the cheese fries! Get the chicken quesadillas! Yummmmmy!

there are hot bartenders here. ask for the alyx, the one that spells her name with a «y» :D

Used my debit card to open a tab for the night, closed it with only $ 16 on it. Next day I have not 1 but 2 $ 35 charges from then. What a scam. Will never go to this bar again, which is a shame due to the cool atmosphere with good music.

OK they have great cheese fries, but is it worth the disgusting bathrooms, and constant smell of vomit, not to mention there’s been a fight every night I’ve been there. Yes one of them was my fault… I told him not to touch my cheese fries… I’d rather go to grits…

IF I only were to have found this place in college or just after. Went with the wife to relive her college years of dancing on the pool table with friends. This place is intense if you are over 25.
The place is wall to wall crowded and has all those symptoms of a really crowded college bar. Long wait at the bar, impossible bathroom situation, drunk kids bumping into you and spilling drinks, and so forth.
For all those negatives to me, it’s exactly where you’d wanna be if you were still rocking the undergrad life. So 3 stars for me, since I still had a little fun, but probably 5 stars for the early 20’s folks.
Also, best Cheese fries ever.

I’ve decided to write a review for one of my all time favorite places, F & Ms. My first encounter with fumps was about 3 years ago and it was love at first sight. On the outside this place looks like any other Nola dive bar, but once you step inside and make your way from room to room you realize this is anything but usual. Start in the front room where people are dancing on a covered pool table; I don’t think a game has ever been played on it. I have danced, and fallen, off the famous covered pool table on many occasions. Then make your way upstairs for disco like scene with flashing lights. If you want a traditional bar scene head to the cheese fry room, at least that’s what I like to call it. TRY THE CHEESE FRIES. And if you want to sit and catch up with friends head out to the patio for breathe of fresh air.
What I love so much about this bar is every room brings a different tone for the evening, accompanied by a different soundtrack. One can never be bored, or hate the music, or think it’s too loud, because if you wander to the next room everything changes. I seriously just love this place, no shame at all.

Worst place ever. Always so crowded and your mixed-​drinks are about 95% soda.
And if you’re a male, it has the worst bathroom situation ever. Avoid at all costs.

Never use your card here! They charge you more than you agree to just to pad their tips.

Omg! That bartender Smokey is the hottest bartender EVER!!! However, listing 7 pm as the opening time is grossly inaccurate. #allaboutthatbassboutthatbassnotthattreble

Oh F&M’s, I’m so glad that fire didn’t bring you down. What would I do without being able to scream out the hits of the 90’s and beyond while dropping it like its hot on a pool table WHILE eating cheese fries at 2am?!
Probably pass out, but it’s MUCH more fun to sing, drop it like its hot, and eat cheese fries first.

Come here after 12 midnight. Best cheese to fry ratio anywhere in the city. The cheese fry girl is out of this world. Come get you someeeeeee

If you want to have fun in New Orleans this is the ABSOLUTE best bar to do so in. Hands down. For some reason, when people pass through the door inhibitions are gone and everyone just wants to have a great time — even til 5 in the morning.

I used to be ashamed… Like I was hiding some dirty secret. When people would bring up F & M Patio Bar, I would agree, «psh» and throw in a «who goes there anymore?!» followed by another «psh.»
I came out of the closet a little over 3 years ago, and professed my guilty pleasure for this New Orleans dirty little dive. But once you’re passed the age of 25, you have to call it Fump & Manny’s so you sound more sophisticated.
I love dancing on the covered pool table, I have voraciously inhaled cheese fries at 3:00 AM in the morning and I have gone to Fump & Manny’s probably 1 – 3 times a month for the last 3 years.
While I am admittedly a dance-​aholic, F&M’s has no cover and if you don’t like the music in the front, you can go to the back bar and if you don’t like the music in the back bar, you can go upstairs.
The cheese fries… oh, the cheese fries. So, about a year and a half ago they promoted their fry cook to bouncer, and ever since then I don’t think the cheese fries have been the same. I used to order cheese fries with chives, bacon, jalapeño peppers and andouille sausage with a side of ranch (I tell myself I’m burning the calories while dancing). I wasn’t pleased with how all the accoutrements were coming together in later cheese fry orders so now I just ask for the chives and side of ranch. Another very, very important note regarding the cheese fries… Do not, I repeat, do not eat the cheese fries unless you are inebriated. The deliciousness of the fries is only accentuated by the fact that you have a belly full of booze. ALSO, NEVER TAKE YOUR CHEESE FRIES HOME… It’s comparable to being really hammered and thinking that the guy or gal at the end of the bar is looking pretty hot at, oh, 4 am, so you bring them back to your humble abode only to find the next morning they look like Rodney Dangerfield with Fran Drescher’s voice. I did this with my cheese fries one night… Upon opening the fridge the next day, I gasped in fear at the cheese blob monster that was nesting between my spicy pickles and salsa. Ah!
The reason I go there so often is because 1. I know some of the bartenders, so that doesn’t hurt 2. We have enough friends that go there that it creates a bubble that separates me from the douche bags 3. It’s a nostalgia thing…
My dad went there when it was Fump & Manny’s back in the day, and my mom may have danced on the pool tables one or two or three times with me. It’s in my bloooood.
I can’t say I would go there as much without bartender friends, and the kids are looking younger and younger ever year thought SPOTTED Kevin Costner was definitely there a couple weeks ago.
A couple of don’ts:
Don’t go here alone.
Don’t go here sober.
Don’t go here before 2 am.
Don’t go here looking for love.
Don’t go here doing the pee pee dance or if you have a small bladder.
Don’t go here without your dancing shoes on.

One of the best dive bars in the city.
You can get cheap beer and great for people watching.
They could upgrade the bathroom and no one would complain.

Ugh.
What it has:
A pool table that is used more for dancing on than actual pool.
An upstairs that you probably didn’t know about.
A patio that you probably didn’t know about (other than the name of the place).
A hiding place under the stairs.
Cheese fries that taste better after a long night.
College kids
What it doesn’t have:
A clean bathroom
A real reason for anyone over 25 to rightfully go here
A sense of décor
«Mr/​Mrs Right»
A proper dance floor
I would like to state, that in the last 5 years I have never gone here on my own volition. I have always been BROUGHT here.

Best last night spot in Uptown. Three different areas, the patio, the bar and the upstairs area for when you need room to dance. they have great cheese fries and their drinks are cheap. best nights are thursdays in my opinion but will be happy to come on fridays or saturdays as well.

I have never really liked F&M. Despite that, this was a bar where I spent many nights throughout the course of my youth (18 – 21). It seems that friends always wanted to go here, but I could never understand why.
Fast forward to today, and it had been 15 years since I had been to this bar. Once again a friend insisted we go, so I said what the hell.
As I was walking up, my reasons for disliking this bar all came flooding back to me. There were at least eight beautiful young drunk girls milling about out front. Some were crying, some were laughing while others looked like they had just vomited. Once past that scene, I reluctantly opened the door. Holy shit! In 15 years, nothing had changed.
The interior still looked as if the building would collapse at any moment. The front bar was jam packed with drunken college age people. The pool table was loaded with drunk guys dancing. Who in the hell wants to see a bunch of dudes on the pool table? Women? Sure. But guys? WTF? As an added bonus the floor was covered in broken glass. This made walking around more interesting, but it did add to the divey ambiance.
The back patio was even more crowded, so we headed upstairs… Wait a minute. F&M has an upstairs? Despite hundreds (OK, maybe not hundreds) of trips here, I never remembered an upstairs. Maybe I blocked it out of my memory, but there it was, stairs and all. It was far less crowded and seemed like the best spot in the bar.
Will I be back to F&M? Probably.
Will I ever suggest my friends and I go here? Probably not
Should you go? If you read my description of the drunk girls, crowds, and dudes on the pool table and got excited, then get here ASAP.
Note: There is a couch under the stairs. It seems like a nice secluded spot to sit, but I would imagine a black light may reveal some disturbing things. Sit at your own risk.

This place is cool as long as you know what you’re getting into. I had a gig last night and at about 3 we were still at the bar trying to figure out where to go. I said I wanted to go dancing. So we walked over to F&M’s from Bön Temps.
I had read numerous Unilocal reviews about this place, because my first week in New Orleans, I had inquired where I should go dancing and a cop told me to check out F&M’s. I’m gonna be honest and say that I’m not a huge fan of dive bars. Having said that, I keep ending up at dive bars here in NO and now I just deal with it. So when we had decided to go over here, I knew exactly what to expect.
We got there, and sure enough, there were a bunch of drunk college kids. Whatever. The second or third song after our arrival was Teach Me How to Dougie and I was more than pleased. I was already smelling like an ashtray and all I wanted to do was get down on the dance floor, so nothing else really mattered to me. So. I broke it down. In my five inch heels that I had been rocking all night.
I tried the cheese fries because I was hungry and I remembered reading about them. They were good. I do wish they were a little more flavorful, but whatever. It’s drunk people food. The girl making them was friendly. While I was waiting for my fries, some really drunk guy told me I was beautiful (I told him that I knew) and tried to kiss me about five times. It was kinda gross but also hilarious.
I also had a personal dance serenade done by some guy. I don’t know if he expected that I would fall for that and go home with him, but it was entertaining anyway.
Let’s see. I would probably only go back if it was like 3 am and with enough liquor in my system. I would not go here with just girlfriends. Last night I was rollin with a bunch of dudes so I felt very safe and that’s why I could just laugh at the drunk dude tryin to kiss me forcefully.
Ooh, also I ran into the guy that works at Monkey Hill that I saw on my first night in New Orleans here last night. I felt like a local. Lol.