My college roommate spent a summer interning for Columbia Records. He’d occasionally hook me up with VIP passes to the likes of Foo Fighters and Passion Pit and in return I’d pay for parking and supply booze. More times than not the show would be sponsored by liquor brands and we’d get a fire-hose to the face of it or he’d flash his ID and I wouldn’t get taxed to park. The good times stopped rolling when he invited me to see John Mayer and I had to let him down easy – RM, «Geez I’m flattered really, I mean I’m not a homophobe or anything but this dog don’t bark that way.» CB, «What, no?! It’s not a date.» RM, «Then why would you invite another dude to see the Bad Boy of Pop?» CB, «I have to meet up with his publicist and my FEMALE friend just cancelled. Why are Miami girls so flakey?! Besides it’s the John Mayer Trio, it’s different.» RM, «Sorry I guess… my stupid mouth has got me in trouble, I said too much again…» I was expecting the worst, like when my former girlfriend enforced her birthday privileges and I suffered through back-to-back Shakira concerts. It wasn’t like that at all – 1. The show started with a history of blues medley that included songs made famous by Robert Johnson, Otis Redding and Muddy Waters. 2. He’s a tireless multi-instrumentalists that runs around strumming guitars, striking keys and banging on drums. 3. Crazy fret-shredding solos we’re added to every song like he was possessed by some Nordic metal god. I was floored because not only does he dress like a villain in a spaghetti western and rocks some of the clichést tattoos in the industry(Japanese wave and koi fish sleeve. really) but he’s been known to bash his exes in interviews – Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Minka Kelly, Reena Hammer, Taylor Swift, Vanessa Carlton and the Jennifers(Love Hewitt + Aniston). I’d name them all but I’ve only got 5,000 characters to work with. He probably left a post-it note attached to Kim’s booty shorts that read, «Kanye get a DNA test cuz JM was here first!» The guy has been in more women than the IUD birth control device. On the other hand, he was going to have to work a little harder to please the ladies in my audience. I could read their wrinkled faces that said, «Gosh when is he going to play Your Body Is A Wonderland?» Which reminds me that when I was backstage and there was some confusion. He was just finishing an interview and was asked why he’d left the glitter and glam of NYC/LA for some country shithole in Montana. He summarized that he needed someplace to recover from surgery that was away from all the parties and paparazzi. JM «Sometimes I wish I could just trade places with someone and just hide from the limelight.» RM, I raised my hand and yelled out, «John, you can have my body!» JM, «Thanks buddy but if I wanted to date a hirsute beast again I’d just call up Colbie Calliat again.» The guy has a sense of humor, he’s taken full advantage of his celebrity status and he can rock your face off. Why he chooses to push out album after album of closed-eyed chick music is beyond me. His live album, Try! and the tours in support of the John Mayer Trio may be too progressive for his core following but John’s gonna keep on waiting for the world to change.
