Borshtch ‘N Tears

First visit: ²⁄₅
I dined here today (4^th November) at about 5.30pm with my grandma. She picked it because she has been to Russia and hasn’t eaten the cuisine in a while, plus we had just been to the Ballets Russe exhibit at the V&A so it seemed appropriate.
The atmosphere is welcoming, as the décor is all red with only a navy blue ceiling for relief. The effect is very cosy and befitting of a Russian theme. Speaking of which, several Russian men were hanging around chatting with the waitress while we dined — they may have been off-​duty staff or just friends, either way I think that sort of fraternisation should be limited to the staff areas, not the floor. Another unwelcome guest: a dog. I hate dogs. This one wasn’t exactly loose around the restaurant, but it was brought in and rushed downstairs, presumably to the kitchen — yikes. Not an appetising introduction. Fortunately I can confirm that I did not find any dog hairs in my food.
There were several vegetarian options for starters but only 2 for main courses. I had blinis with mushrooms, cream and onions to start. It was exactly that, with some fresh dill also. It arrived at room temperature and was rather bland, but the portion size was decent. For the price I think it was expensive, but this would come to be a theme of the evening.
For a main course I had a choice between «vegetarian shashlik» which meant vegetables on skewers cooked on an open flame, served with a carrot and cabbage salad OR courgette with cheese topped with diced vegetables and served with a mixed salad. So, vegetables or vegetables. I went with the latter option since it at least offered some protein, though the waitress was unable to tell me what kind of cheese to expect — «Whatever they have in the kitchen». Reassuring.
Though this courgette dish was already a whopping £14.50, I was advised to get a side order of potatoes too, and again I asked the waitress for a tip — which potatoes to get from the choice of fried, boiled, mashed, or pan-​fried with mushrooms and onions. She did as her boss would wish and steered me toward the pan-​fried potatoes which were coincidentally over £5 as opposed to the others which were around the £3 mark. Trusting her and wanting an authentic experience, I ordered the recommended pan-​fried potatoes. They were a good-​sized portion of small potato cubes, fried with mushroom and onion resembling those from my starter, and again with the addition of dill. Again, they did what they said on the tin and nothing more. Not particularly flavoursome and with no real texture (they weren’t crunchy or crispy, the potato being cooked but still firm and with little colour). Definitely not worth £5.45 or whatever it was.
As for the courgette dish, man oh man, did we pay £14.50 for that? It was 1 courgette, split in half and you guessed it, topped with an anonymous cheese and unrecognisable diced vegetables. It was… fine. Rather greasy. The cheese was the only flavour that really came through, and like the waitress I have no idea what kind it was. Generic melty cheese, I suppose. The courgette itself was overcooked and had no bite left to it, so all it added was a watery mush attached to the chewy skin. The salad was a nice fresh selection of tomato wedges, cucumber chunks, fresh dill and some lettuce leaves in a flavourless oily dressing (more grease?). All in all, big disappointment.
My grandma started out with a piroshki, which looked just like a pork pie on the outside and was served with an unexplained white dipping sauce (mayo?), some lettuce leaves and a strangely medium sized tomato (too small for a standard tomato, too big to be a cherry tomato). She didn’t have any complaints but didn’t say anything positive about it either. For her main she had something beginning with g… girulsky? Something like that anyway. It looked like some kind of meat wrapped in cabbage leaves and served in a bowl with a creamy sauce with orange oil blobs multiplying by the minute. She complained that it was cold and that she was unimpressed.
The service in general was good, in that the waitress seemed like a nice girl and smiled a lot. She didn’t forget anything which is always good. Her suggestions for vegetarian options were helpful, though her lack of cheese-​knowledge was regrettable. My only real pet hate is that I ordered still water and she split the small bottle between two glasses, even though my grandma did not order it. I would have finished the bottle myself if it hadn’t been decided for me that I would share. That seemed like an unprofessional touch and I’ve never experienced it elsewhere.
All in all, despite the warm boudoir décor and a friendly waitress, the restaurant is let down by the extortionate prices and subpar food.

This is definitely an experience, no question. There’s a great selection of vodkas, and the sweet Russian champagne (£40) was delicious.
However, this place is not cheap, and the food took a long time to arrive. For our group of 20, we pre-​ordered the day before. In spite of this, it took an hour for our starters to arrive, and another hour after that for our mains. We were starving!
My food was decent. The borshtch was good, while my Central Asian lamb plov was a little bland.
The ambience is great though. Live music and Russian folk songs… Like I said, an experience… and best visited with someone from Eastern Europe.

Awesome Russian food; a small, intense restaurant; lots of vodkas to try; and live Russian folk music. It’s not all meat and potatoes, either: they have some vegetarian dishes.
Lots of red velvet inside: the décor, like the atmosphere, seems to get more and more manic as the night goes on. Best line of the night I was there: And now, everyone dance on table!