Empire Clydebank

This was my childhood cinema. And now I have returned, the prodigal son.
This is a goood cinema, if you want quiet Big Lebowski/​Clerks/​Ghost World feeling times, head here and have a meal in the pseudo-​diner next door first. This place never left the 90s.
Theres a super cheap Tuesday deal. It’s never too busy, if you plan your visit. And you know what else…
They put melted butter on the popcorn. Amazing.
That, a hot dog, red/​blue ice-​blast, maybe (if you want to go full pig) a pick-​n-​mix consisting solely of fudge n those red straw things watching the latest loudest largest blockbuster trash is all you need. Gorge yourself at the teat of Clydebank. This cinema is great. And I love spending money here, which is a hard thing to inspire these days.
But even if you don’t want to pay for the official accessories, there’s a giangantic ASDA next door. Use your imagination, the world is your oyster.
They do forget to put the heating up sometimes. But screw it, just take a duvet.

Finding a decent cinema these days is nigh on impossible. I live in Glasgow, but have settled on Empire in Clydebank as my de rigour cinema of choice for several reasons, mostly related to the contempt I feel for the various alternatives.
Cineworld in town: faaaaaar too busy, I had the misfortune of going one Wednesday night (clementine special pass day) and was virtually in a different postcode when I joined the queue. Also it’s rather pricey.
Odeon at the Quay: this place is dirty and smelly, and what’s with the seat upgrade thing? What they really mean is you can pay an additional surcharge not to have to sit on some kind of medieval bottom torture device. Rubbish.
GFT: understandably the film lovers choice, and its independent status and classic style is certainly worth a great deal. It’s my second favourite cinema, but egad, if it isn’t the most middle class, pompous place sometimes. Have you ever been there to see any smarmy, self important, clever-​clever, foreign language comedies there? I have, and the self-​satisfied smirking of my fellow cinema goers almost had me throwing my popcorn (that’s if they sold such crass sub-​bourgeois commodities as popcorn).
And so, the Empire in Clydebank. Quite far from home, yes. Limited to only mainstream blockbuster releases, yes that too. Dirty with every surface permacoated in a greasy film, yes, also the case. The threat of casual violence consistently in the air, alas also a fair point. But whenever I’ve been it’s been damn cheap, utterly dead (I’ve rarely queued for a ticket there) and without incident. There was that time during the second Matrix film that a massive fight broke out behind me, but we were given free tickets to a future film showing of our choice. At least I think that was the reason. Maybe they were so ashamed about the utter absence of any redeeming features offered by second Matrix film that they felt they had to give something back.
Also, near ASDA if you need some milk before hometime.

You can expect a few kernels of popcorn to bounce off your barnet in this cinema; even an experimental, Russian, black and white job will, for no apparent reason, have a handful of scamps sitting in the backrows.
However, Empire has been an incredibly handy resource for Clydebank over the years and beams out most of the biggest new releases. It’s much like any other mainstream cinema and indeed its slightly tired exterior actually adds to its value, exuding a kind of kitschy feel.
There is no denying, however, that blockbusters here are a complete nightmare. Boisterous and noisy, you’re better off spending the extra pennies to head into Glasgow and relative peace.

I generally try to avoid this cinema as it is nowhere near as good as Cineworld in Glasgow. Being in Clydebank, you often have to contend with the «ned» factor. You know, that crowd of youngsters who shout, run up and down the aisles and generally make a nuisance of themselves. You have been warned.

It’s a chain cinema, so don’t expect anything brilliant, but there’s good credit crunch friendly offers — like all tickets £4 on tuesdays, and family moveis are shown at discount prices at the weekends. Generally this has a pretty good selection of kids films showing at any one time — which is excellent for the kids I childmind. It’s also a bit of an old fashioned cinema, in that it doesn’t have any lighting in the theatres at all, so when the film starts, you really can’t even see your hand in front of your face!
Perfect for back seat snoggers I guess — keep it out of the family movies though, guys.