Alfies Bar & Grill

I was greeted by a pleasant gentleman who I assumed was the Maitre’D. Dressed in what seemed to be an authentic period costume, I was reminded of a time of our great city’s past when life was harder and people knew the real value of a dollar. It had been so long since I’d seen a Beaver Canoe outfit. You could see glimmers of gold in his wonky smile as he rushed me inside. «You ain’t a pig, are ya?» he whispered, reminding me of Toronto’s lush Hogtown past.
While I did find it strange that this restaurant had several Maitre’Ds working at once, they congregated into a welcoming mob on the boulevard in front, whispering to one another in order not to disturb the patrons. They seemed to be very concerned with the amount of soft drinks that were available, as they kept whispering «Coke? Coke?» under their breath so as not to disturb the people inside eating.
I love a place with good security. Makes you feel comfortable and welcome. On this particular occasion the house was in the process of removing a person who must have been a bad tipper. «Gimme the money!» they kept saying as they forcibly excised the patron from the establishment. They must have been concerned for his spiritual well being, because they ushered the gentleman into a non-​descript white van and wished him well. «Say your prayers!»
Upon entering the establishment, they really made me believe that I was their special guest. LIke I was the first person who had ever placed an order. It takes incredibly well trained staff in order to provide that unique experience. The first gentleman who came to my table quietly asked «How much do you want?», to which I answered «I would only like one hamburger please». Surprisingly, he was also able to almost guess my middle name. «This guy’s a Narc!» he exclaimed, to which I replied «Very close, my friend! My middle name’s actually Mark!»
It took a while to come, but eventually my food was delivered. Although I found it somewhat strange that it was presented in a fast food bag. Those damn hipsters. You can never cease being amazed by their creative presentation skills.
Also in the bag were two small packets of what appeared to be icing sugar wrapped in a lovely cellophane package. The final price tag of $ 300 was quite steep for dinner for one, but you’ve got to be prepared for high-​end dinners in Toronto these days.
The sign on the door was true though, certainly amongst the best hamburgers in town.
Highly recommended.