Equal 9 Cafe

Do you work in the city? Looking to throw on the nosebag around lunchtime but can’t find a sanga with a decent filling-​bread ratio? Tired of shucking two finskies off a limp roll of notes without a jangle of change in return? Want to spread out with a pile of papers without getting the eye roll from staff after half an hour?
Equal 9 (near the corner of Queen and Flinders St) has nothing to recommend it on the outside and everything on the inside. This place is a total find. In a corner of the CBD choked with suits, $ 10 lunch ‘deals’ and the dreaded astroturf, at Equal 9 you’ll find yourself a simple, cheap and tasty lunch.
Advertised outside on some dodgy-​looking whiteboard, the burgers are the standout item. They are in fact real burgers. Starting at around $ 6.90 for a basic (beef patty, tomato, onion and lettuce), all are served with a giant pile of chips. The bun is toasted and big enough to balance all the ingredients. I think the prices go up to about $ 8.50 for a fancy one.
Other astounding bargains include the sangas — $ 5.50 will get you anything you like, except for chicken, which is $ 1 extra. They do not stinge on the fillings either. Cakes change regularly, and there’s a Bain Marie of my Existence that regulars get very excited about (I haven’t dipped into this yet).
Compared to the great glut of cafes and bars choking up this city (I consider this to be inflated prices for trendy — not necessarily filling or tasty — food, design fluffery like astroturf and ye olde fixtures like scales and cash registers, wanky copy on the menu, staff too cool to say hello etc etc) Equal 9 is doing something genuinely different.
The bloke who runs it, as well as his staff, are a delight to talk to. They seem to sincerely enjoy being there and talking to the customers. I guarantee that no-​one will roll their eyes at you at any stage of your experience. They will even come past after your meal to ask if you liked it.
The décor is a screech. It’s like they’ve gone out of their way to be the opposite of all the wankery I’m complaining about above. There’s a poky dining room out the back where you can pull up a laminex table and rustle your copy of the Hun or sit here for an hour with your book, if you like. For some reason there’s pictures of Paris everywhere. Along one wall is a wine rack I’ve never seen anyone use. One lunchtime I watched Bewitched on their flatscreen telly. Patrons are also unpretentious. They’re just, you know, normal people. No-one’s talking at the top of their lungs or discussing their fitness régime for 40 solid minutes.
What I’m trying to get at is that Equal 9 Café is like lunch places used to be. You don’t go there to impress your colleagues with your Melbourne knowledge, or be robbed blind, or rave on about the homemade XO sauce, or be faintly grossed out by being served food with someone with tatts down to their fingernails. Check out Equal 9 if you want a lunch place that’s cheap, yummy and friendly.