Cafe On Bourke

I ordered online since it was close to my Airbnb. This is extremely bland Margherita pizza: very doughy, yet unsalted dough, and over-​cheesed. It had a little oregano, which was nice, but there are much better pies out there. I would not come back.

Café On Bourke is a fine example of something that would be off Kitchen Nightmares. I can imagine the preview of the episode now…
Chef Gordon Ramsay visits a restaurant with a fancy-​schmancy menu that they cannot execute properly. He tries to drill it in to them that if they don’t know how to cook gourmet steaks, oysters, and veal, to not make an attempt. However, the owners fully believe that with enough time and dedication, they will eventually get a Michelin star.
At the end of the preview, dramatic music starts playing as the chefs send out a raw steak to a customer who ordered Medium-​Well before Gordon Ramsay yells at the top of his lungs… «SHUT. IT. DOWN!!!»
—
In all seriousness, I was pretty excited for I first opened the menu for Café On Bourke. Steaks, oysters, seafood… everything in theory would be orgasms in my mouth.
But the execution is just constantly dreadful. My boyfriend requested a medium-​rare steak. It was well-​done to high hell. I mean, if it was taken to medium or even medium well if would’ve been fine but there wasn’t even a slight bit of pink. Me on the other hand, my medium steak probably just gently kissed the grill. If I listened closely, I would’ve probably still been able to hear the cow breathing.
I would definitely suggest Café On Bourke to stop trying to be gourmet and focus on more simple and delicious food that can be executed easier. But for now, what was probably designed to be a foodie’s paradise is just a disaster.

Usually speaking, I wouldn’t sully my reputation with bland places of
ill repute such as this, but hey, I’m in extreme reviewing mode so I’m not
going to say no straight away. Plus 2013 is my year of Elite.
I was really surprised though, at how quickly this place filled up with corporate
lunch hour types as soon as the clock strikes 12. By 12:30, The place was
essentially full. It is the sort of place however, that hasn’t really moved out of the
1980’s or possibly the 1970’s, with stereotypes of all black uniforms, mainly female
servers, which is a bit sexist, and daggy and very tired and dated fittings and
interiors well past their prime. The whole place needs to ripped out, gutted and
then start from scratch. Replacing everything with new modern, sleek and appealing
stuff.
Unfortunately I was stuck next to a bunch of salacious sleazy corporate men
whom seemed to occupy their time time with crude crass tasteless offensive
and sexist jokes. Not the best, but people like this probably don’t do much
actual work in their corporate positions?
I had a main size Gnocchi with number 3 sauce; spicy bacon and spring
onion, capsicum, it was quite good tasty, and a good serving size.
So really, these 2 stars are for the meal only and the meal alone.
Reasonably satisfactory, but that’s all it need to be in a place like this.
Pretty much just somewhere to fill the stomach that’s not fancy.

Café on Bourke — the dodgiest eatery up the high end of the city? Maybe.
This place has been around forever, but I’m at a loss as to how it has kept its doors open all these years. They do cheap-​ish pizzas and pastas, but they’re in no way gourmet, authentic or any other adjective that is usually associated with edible food. Instead you’ll find the Aus-​Italian classics like BBQ chicken featuring my fruit nemesis, pineapple.
Inside it’s a basic diner-​style set up, with plenty of televisions in case you regret leaving your living room for the day. Service is passable, but I get the feeling the staff are wondering what they did wrong to end up working in a place like this. Still, if you’re desperate and everything else around is closed, you can get a passable feed for under $ 20.

The best thing to be said about Café on Bourke is that they don’t stint on the serving sizes — order the chicken and avocado and you won’t go away hungry. You won’t walk away broke, either — the meals are fairly cheap.
But that’s about all that you can say about them that’s nice. The food is bland, but it’s the service which really drives in the knife. I’ve a rule — if they can’t get you a glass of water the moment you ask for one, then… they’re probably not good at serving you.
It’s more of a guideline, really.
Okay, I don’t have a rule. But Café on Bourke makes me want to write some. Rules like: wanting to stab your customers is fine. Looking like you’re wanting to stab them isn’t. Still, cheap non-​franchise food in the city is a bit of a rarity, so I might be back one day.